BREAKING UPDATE ON THE STATUS OF THE RAPTURE...
My sources tell me that Comet Elenin is arriving later than expected and therefore the fleet of UFOs that follow are late.
Those who have been chosen for the "Rapture" must have patience, my source states with confidence.
My sources say that Comet Elenin is sure to be due possibly tomorrow or the next day. You can count on that as much as you can count on the Rapture and Harold Camping.
When Comet Elenin swings by Earth, the tail, which is filled with a fleet of amazing and intelligently flown UFOs will be extremely bright. The brightness will surpass the brightness of the sun. No, there will be no need to apply more sunscreen, my source assures. Just be sure that you are wearing sunglasses all day and that you have them at your bedside by night while you are awaiting the big event, as optical damage can occur for those not prepared.
My sources tell me that those who have been receiving the government frequencies preparing them for the "Rapture" will need to be prepared to be "elevated" (abducted) with one small suitcase that should include: one change of clothing (including a clean pair of underwear), one small (4 x 6) memory book from Earth to share once they reach the new land (planet), some shoes and socks, and a hat.
Don't be alarmed if Comet Elenin is late by a couple of days. Surely the plan is still in place for those who believe to be taken and elevated, leaving the rest of the human race to live out their redundant lives on an Earth that will implode into itself in October 2011.
If you are reading this and are not one of the chosen for the Rapture, don't fear, don't be sad, don't change a thing except improving the enjoyment of your living. We humans that have not been chosen to procreate with the others on another planet will not actually notice a thing. This is because of the programming that the government has done with the frequency mechanism that my source has not been able to disclose, only allowing those who are chosen to know our fate.
I can assure you who have not been chosen that you will not notice any difference, just as I can assure you that the impending rapture is real.
Story by: Natasha Call
FICTION
Given that the end of the world was supposed to be nigh, it perhaps wasn’t surprising that Christian doomsday prophet Harold Camping had shown some reluctance to take advance bookings.
The 89-year-old Californian preacher and radio host had prophesied that the Rapture would begin at 6pm May 21st in each of the world’s time zones, with non-believers wiped out by rolling earthquakers, as the saved ascended into heaven.
His refusal to schedule a media interview for the following day - “It is absolutely going to happen. There is no way that I can schedule an interview because I won’t be here.” - was being replayed by media as the world firmly stayed standing.
On the microsite Twitter, groups of atheists and sceptics were last night swapping tales of After Rapture parties, with one group, in Tacoma, Washington, branding their celebration “Countdown to Back-Pedalling”.
Mr Camping’s doomsday prediction wasn’t his first. He blamed an earlier apocalyptic prediction which passed quietly in 1994 on a mathematical error, last month saying: “I’m not embarrassed about it. It was just the fact that it was premature.”
This time would be different, with “no possibility” it would not happen. While across the United States, some devotees reportedly sold all their possessions and took to the streets to warn of the second coming of Jesus, in Britain, sceptical voices were louder.
After 6pm passed without incident in New Zealand and Australia, Stephen Fry tweeted: “Marvellous news! Rapture doesnt mean end of world; apparently all the planet’s imbeciles disappear in one go.”
Amid the sound of ruffled feathers he later added: “Calm down. Never said all Christians are imbeciles. Just those who think they’ll be raised up today. They do the faith a grave disservice.”
Earlier TV scientist Professor Brian Cox had suggested it was a good time for a global practical joke: “I think we should all pretend the rapture is happening so that when Harold Camping gets left behind later today he’ll be livid.”
Some of the first reports that the apocalypse was not keeping to schedule emerged from New Zealand. Kiwis confirmed there were no signs of the dead rising from the grave, nor of the living ascending into the clouds to meet Jesus Christ.
Daniel Boerman tweeted: “I’m from New Zealand, it is 6.06pm, the world has NOT ended. No earthquakes here, all waiting for the Rapture can relax for now.” http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/8528385/Rapture-the-end-was-not-nigh-after-all.html
Apocalypse Not: Harold Camping wrong – again – about 'The Rapture'
Harold Camping had prophesied that the world as we know it would end today. But the time has come and gone, and "The Rapture" has not occurred.

Anybody there? Are we still here?Oh, whew! For a moment there I thought Judgment Day actually had come today, as California preacher and religious radio broadcaster Harold Camping had predicted. And I’m really, really not ready.There’s a lot I still have to do. Like organize my sock drawer and change the strings on my banjo. Not to mention apologizing for some – er – indiscretions that have been weighing on me since forever. (Which have nothing to do with the banjo.)I mean, if there really is going to be an “end times” or “the rapture” or whatever, I definitely don’t want to be left behind. So whoever’s listening out there, I do believe, I do believe, I do believe! And I promise to be good from now on.But it looks like we’re all off the hook … for now, anyway.Mr. Camping had prophesied that at 6 p.m. Saturday (local time around the world) the “saved” would ascend to heaven and the rest of you – OK, the rest of us – would be wiped out by October in earthquakes, floods, and war.But that fateful hour has come and gone in the Pacific islands, New Zealand, Australia, and on through east Asia, and it’s turned out to be “Apocalypse Not.” Either that or nobody in that part of the world was worthy of ascension.So it’s been rough times for the folks who filed for a tax extension because they figured they wouldn’t be around when the IRS came calling. And for those who tried to cash in on the predicted end the of the world as we know it. (Cue REM)Like “Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA,” which bills itself as “the next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World.” For a mere $135 the online business “will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved…. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.”
Help Us Make a List of Everything That’s Been Raptured
Happy Rapture, everyone! Are you still here? We are, but it's early in the day so who knows. We're making a list of everything that has been taken to Heaven to kick it with Jesus, and we need your help.The Rapture, of course, is the day when all true Christians are gathered up into the air for a meet-and-greet with Jesus Christ. And — you've likely noticed — today is the Rapture! (According to noted radio host Harold Camping.) Slate's Tom Scocca notes several things that are likely in heaven already, such as the D train's subway ads, and one of his beers.So: Have you left the house yet? Noticed anything missing, raptured up to Heaven to be with Jesus? Maybe you have even taken pictures or videos of things that aren't there anymore? Send them to us!If you're wondering about the types of things that might be missing, here are some examples:- Kaiser rolls
- Bicyclists
- Etc.
Anybody there? Are we still here?
Oh, whew! For a moment there I thought Judgment Day actually had come today, as California preacher and religious radio broadcaster Harold Camping had predicted. And I’m really, really not ready.
There’s a lot I still have to do. Like organize my sock drawer and change the strings on my banjo. Not to mention apologizing for some – er – indiscretions that have been weighing on me since forever. (Which have nothing to do with the banjo.)
I mean, if there really is going to be an “end times” or “the rapture” or whatever, I definitely don’t want to be left behind. So whoever’s listening out there, I do believe, I do believe, I do believe! And I promise to be good from now on.
But it looks like we’re all off the hook … for now, anyway.
Mr. Camping had prophesied that at 6 p.m. Saturday (local time around the world) the “saved” would ascend to heaven and the rest of you – OK, the rest of us – would be wiped out by October in earthquakes, floods, and war.
But that fateful hour has come and gone in the Pacific islands, New Zealand, Australia, and on through east Asia, and it’s turned out to be “Apocalypse Not.” Either that or nobody in that part of the world was worthy of ascension.
So it’s been rough times for the folks who filed for a tax extension because they figured they wouldn’t be around when the IRS came calling. And for those who tried to cash in on the predicted end the of the world as we know it. (Cue REM)
Like “Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA,” which bills itself as “the next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World.” For a mere $135 the online business “will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved…. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.”
Help Us Make a List of Everything That’s Been Raptured
Happy Rapture, everyone! Are you still here? We are, but it's early in the day so who knows. We're making a list of everything that has been taken to Heaven to kick it with Jesus, and we need your help.
The Rapture, of course, is the day when all true Christians are gathered up into the air for a meet-and-greet with Jesus Christ. And — you've likely noticed — today is the Rapture! (According to noted radio host Harold Camping.) Slate's Tom Scocca notes several things that are likely in heaven already, such as the D train's subway ads, and one of his beers.
So: Have you left the house yet? Noticed anything missing, raptured up to Heaven to be with Jesus? Maybe you have even taken pictures or videos of things that aren't there anymore? Send them to us!
If you're wondering about the types of things that might be missing, here are some examples:
- Kaiser rolls
- Bicyclists
- Etc.
